Dear Friend Who's Not Married

To my dear friend who's not married yet:

I wish we could sit face to face, sipping coffee by a warm fire in some cute coffee shop, and share stories or even vent about the difficulties of single life. We'd likely talk about the common question our relatives ask us every holiday, the guy our Aunt Bertha tried to hook us up with, the date-that-wasn't-a-date, or our online dating successes (and failures). We'd laugh a little, groan a little, but be able to relate to each other because we know it well, the difficulties of singleness. And as Valentine's Day approaches, we know well the mixed emotions that come with yet another day without a significant other.

As we sat face to face, I wish I could give you some assurance that everything would okay; we'd both get married soon. But I have nothing to base that optimistic comment on, other than a hope and a prayer. Because no lists or formulas will bring a spouse. No action, no change in wardrobe, no lifestyle change, no prayer will 100% guarantee a spouse.

But there is one thing I can say, an action we can take to be happier.

I'd imagine you might lean in across the table, eager to hear this simple secret.

"It's easy," I say. "Don't be Single."

You roll your eyes at me, and you might even chuckle a little. You think it's a joke. But I'm serious.

"Don't be Single--with a capital "S."

Actually, it's not that simple. It's possible that ever since our childhood, we watched the fairytales and believed that there were two kinds of people in the world: the happily-ever-after people who get to marry their prince/princess, and the flawed-Gaston-like-characters who end up lonely and miserable (or dead). And as we grew older, we might have even thought that we must have some flaw like Gaston that kept people from wanting to marry us. As most of our friends get married and have kids, we begin to realize that the dichotomy still exists in adulthood: there are Single people and there are Married people.

And so, we wander through our twenties or beyond with a huge red "S" written all over us. Or maybe it's a "U" (unwanted) or a "P" (pathetic). We can wander around life, constantly still hoping or maybe  feeling we're beyond hope, rarely ever losing sight of that huge label we call "Single."

But we don't have to live as a Single. Friend, there are so many other ways we should view ourselves. We are Loved, Bought with a price, Children of G0d, Chosen by G0d, Knit by the King of Kings, and Adopted by the Father. When we let the letter S take center stage, we forget who we truly are--and prevent others from seeing how valuable we (and they) truly are; all that matters in life is our marital status.

So, dear friend, let's not live life under society's "S" label, but let's live out our true identities. No more pity parties, or wearing black on Valentine's Day, or believing the lie that we're not as blessed as our married friends. For this season of our lives, we're single, but that's not what defines us. Our identity is in Chr!st, our solid Rock and Fortress, who does not change as man does. Feelings might come and go, and marriages, unfortunately, may fail, but how the Father views us, and our worth in Him will never, ever change.

As we continue sipping our coffee, we might change our conversation to more practical topics. What will we do on Valentine's Day so we're not at home moping? How do we deal with the sexualized culture and how sex is a "right," regardless of if you're married or just having fun for a night? How can we encourage each other to be a witness to those around us in the midst of unanswered pra.yers?

We might not come to any resolutions, but at least we'd get these struggles about singlness off of our chest. And, hopefully, we'd get that large "S" off of our chest and leave our time together feeling encouraged. We're not Single; we're Loved.

It’s That Time of Year Again

That unavoidable, dreaded day is fast approaching. That day you want to crawl into a little hole and disappear. The day you want to dodge every opportunity for small talk with every person. The day you wish you could call in sick. Thank goodness it’s not Groundhog Day, because you would hate to repeat this day over and over again. Yes, it’s the Hallmark Holiday, the I-Am-Single-and-It-Sucks day, Valentine’s Day.

Maybe I’m being overdramatic, but for many singles, it seems Valentine’s Day comes directly from H-e-double-hockey-sticks to cause us major pain and discontentment. Any self-confidence we once had about being single goes out the window when people ask us that dreaded question, “What are you doing for Valentine’s Day?” So we have to think fast to make whatever it was we didn’t plan sound super exciting, like “We’re going out to eat sushi and see a movie” and by “going out” you really mean across the street to buy sushi and rent a Redbox at the grocery store, and by “we” you mean the royal me, myself, and I. Or you say something like, “I have a hot date tonight” and leave out the prepositional phrase “with my grandma.”  

Facebook only antagonizes us more, with all of our friends posting comments like, “I have the best husband in the world! He brought me breakfast in bed” and “I’m engaged! Best Valentine’s Day ever!” These comments make us wish it was socially acceptable to dress in black and throw a “I Hate Valentine’s Day” party like in the movies.

So how do we face Valentine’s Day head on, without feeling insecure, or hurt, or lonely? Here are a few ideas:

1.       Remember Who We Are This point could be explained in an entire separate post, but for now, I will just say that we need to listen to what the Father says we are, not what society says we are. Society seems to say we’re nothing if we don’t have a boyfriend, but God says: We are children of God (1 John 3:1). We are chosen by God and dearly loved (Colossians 3:12). We are his Bride (Revelations 21:2). We are loved so much that Jesus died for us (John 3:16). A man may very well die for a good person, but Jesus died for us when we were complete and utter sinners, helpless to do anything to save ourselves or do anything pleasing for him (Romans 5:6-11). That’s real, selfless love. We are loved, not losers.

2.       Be Proactive While we might hate Valentine’s Day and the subsequent festivities, one of the worst things we can do to ourselves is to plan nothing, and then sit at home having a pity party. This allows us extra time to dwell on the fact that we are single and/or boyfriendless. So whether it’s Valentine’s Day themed or not, be proactive about planning something to do with others. Go to a movie, have a girl’s night in, host a game night—whatever. But don’t wait until Valentine’s Day to realize that you don’t want to sit at home alone.

3.       Think of others Sometimes we can be so focused on ourselves and our singleness that we forget about those around us who also feel lonely on Valentine’s Day. Maybe you know of a widow at church, or a divorced colleague, or another friend who’s single. Take them out to dinner or a movie, send them a card, give them flowers. I guarantee it’ll take away a little of the sting of being alone on Valentine’s Day. As Jesus said, “It’s more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35b). A few years ago, I decided to take my grandma out to dinner, and until now (I’m overseas), it’s been an annual event. She loves to be treated since she’s been treating the grandkids for so many years, and I love spending one-on-one time with her outside of the normal large family gatherings.

4.       Avoid Facebook Recent research  about Facebook came out, and its influence on users is not pretty. Facebook actually reduces the users’ “life satisfaction.” In other words, it makes us discontent with our lives. So if you don’t want to be more discontent on Valentine’s Day, don’t log on to read all of the news feed about what someone’s best-husband-in-the-entire-world did.

 So don’t let the red and pink make you blue. Remember that your worth does not come from having a lover, but from God. Be proactive about doing something on Valentine’s Day. Remember others who may also be alone. And finally, avoid Facebook, at least on the dreaded day. These are just a few suggestions for surviving the Hallmark Holiday.

                What are your suggestions for how to survive Valentine’s Day as a single?